Swan/Goose

Last winter, I got really, really sick. I’m talking like, “kill me now!” because I would rather die than struggle to suck air into my face any longer. However, attempting to be a 'trooper' as my Mother would say, I sucked it up and headed into work at 6:30 a.m. I knew there was no way that I would make it without some kind of cold remedy to haze over my world, so I made a stop at the Jewel. I did the unthinkable.

Instead of parking my car in a spot (the lot was empty, however, the focus should be on how sick I was here), I found it more appropriate to park my car in the “No Parking Zone” in front of the sensor doors. As I’m coming to a stop, I noticed something. Something I had never seen before. Something strange. Something a little off. Something dangerous.

Geese.

Two of ‘em. Just hanging out. I was terrified. Allow me to pause for a moment to time warp into another story.

I’m 20 years old, on a golf course with my Dad. We are coming up to the green and on this particular hole we have to walk over a bridge to putt. For those who have trouble putting two and two together, the hole is surrounded by water. I probably don’t have to tell you this, but geese love water. Something about feeling at home… I don’t know. So we make it onto the island all right. We putt in, and begin the trek back to the cart. My Dad has a tendency to hit golf balls into the water and then he proceeds to look for them, like they are going to magically be floating, or jump out of the water and say, “Here I am! You LOST me!!!!” So as he is looking, this swan starts getting p.o.-ed. I’m not ever sure where the thing came from, but it appeared like an evil bird-spirit whose burial ground we had just desecrated. (And yes, I know that geese are different than swans, but they are pretty much the same thing… you know it, I know it… moving on.) So this thing starts flappin’ it wings and struttin’ its stuff over to my Dad.

Now, the resilient man that he is, he figures, "Hey, I’m armed!” So he decides that waiving his putter at the evil swan/goose will make it go away. At this point I am at a full on sprint to the cart. That thing’s wing span was about the size of my body. I know when and how to pick my battles and that day, I chose life.

So I get in the driver’s seat and start pulling away, thoughtfully leaving my father to battle the swan/goose all by his lonesome. When he realizes that the putter is not scaring the monster off, he books it for the cart. By this time I am pedal to the floor, going about 10 mph. (I have and will always have this mental video of my father, the ex-marine, running in slow motion, waiving his putter screaming “STOP!!!” while this massive swan/goose is chasing him. It’s one of my favorites.) So, he eventually catches up with the kart and with a running leap, topples in the passenger seat. The devil bird took a swipe at him as he jumped in, and again, pedal to the floor, we got the cart up to 15 and busted it out of there.

So, need-less-to-say, swan/geese scare me a little. ‘Time-in’ on original story:

By this time, 6:50 a.m. in the parking lot of a Jewel, two geese are trying to get in. I instinctively rubbed my eyes hard to make sure I was not dreaming, after all, I’m on my death bed. I realize that I either have to sneak past the geese, or find another place to go to get the medicine I desperately need. Mind you, I’m out-numbered. However, I decided that it was worth the risk.

As I make my approach, another horrible thought ran through my head. What if I let them in? I cause chaos and havoc at 7 a.m. at Jewel and I’m late for work and I’m still sick and I get fired and attacked by two geese and I’m in the hospital. I figured the hospital might not be a bad idea at this point anyway, so I go for it. Ace Ventura-ish, I glue myself to the wall and slide across the building. “Maybe they won’t see me…” I make it to the Jedi doors and slip in. I grab my cold medicine and book it back out. By that time they were gone.

Was it real? Could it be that my mind created this goose mirage due to clouded thoughts and fuzzy judgment? Was it because I parked in the "No Parking Zone?" I can’t help but think that I got away with something that day. Like, the swan/geese have it out for me. They are very good at showing up in obscure places, making me distraught and genuinely concerned for my own well-being. Maybe the swan/goose exists for the sole purpose to keep me in line. Maybe I'll see them in hell.